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obi wan is luke’s father

17 April 2002 _ 11h38m09 EDT
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~ an agent of ours has reported having had a dream concerning the upcoming ‘twist’ in the sw pt. according to our agent’s morphean vision, ob1 is revealed to be the true father of luke and leia; this cuckolding of the proto-vader is what finally pushes anakin over to the dark side. as darth vader is to later lay claim to luke’s paternity, we can presume that while he is aware of the unfaithfulness of padme, he is not aware that it is her coupling with ob1 – and not one in which anakin is involved – that results in her impregnation. yoda and ob1 decide to keep this particularity a secret from luke, believing that having discovering that his mother’s husband is a lord of the sith is less damaging than having him learn that his mother is a swinger (as in, to swing).

~ despite our seeming attempts at sw fanfiction and our endeavours to remain free of toolism at the hands of the commercial movie industry, we recommend that the populace go see ‘spider-man’ more often than you see ‘episode two’. you’ve already seen everything that lucas can or will put into a sw film: a light saber battle, *troopers vs. droids, * fett, star fighter battle – maybe names and faces have changed, but you already know the story. although you know that the green goblin is going to be killed after throwing a gwen stacy surrogate from a brooklyn/gw bridge surrogate, you certainly can not claim to have seen it on film.

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