the angry red planet
fuck dc comics
7 September 2013

how to draw comics the dc way*:

PANEL 4
Harley sitting naked in a bathtub with toasters, blow dryers, blenders, appliances all dangling above the bathtub and she has a cord that will release them all. We are watching the moment before the inevitable death. Her expression is one of “oh well, guess that’s it for me” and she has resigned herself to the moment that is going to happen.

Break into comics with Harley Quinn!

*aka: female characters are good for two things: sex and dying.
to be considered worthy for dc comics, you need to demonstrate your ability to depict women committing suicide. naked. fuck dc comics!!


12 O’Clock Assholes
9 August 2013

12 O'Clock Assholes

we once went on a tirade against the cliche of ‘[he/she] is trying to hard’ — because everyone tries too hard, therefore no one is trying. also, the people who ‘try too hard’ are often ‘somebodies’ because of it, rather than nobodies who post on a website twice a year, bitching about someone else’s fun. however, artforum is really trying too hard. something (my experience with human nature) tells me that the fart huffers who read, write, and/or edit artforum would not be caught dead within a country mile of the neighborhoods where this movie was filmed; it’s the equivalent of saying the poverty in china or india or mexico makes for beautiful photographs, or that the visually striking image of a plane hitting the world trade center is marvelous to behold. therefore, artforum is worse than 9/11. i hope everyone in this movie dies.


~

After more than a mile of zigzagging through Frankford, Alexander’s ride ended on Frankford Avenue at Butler Street, when he collided with a car that turned in front of his speeding bike.

The bike shattered.

The boy died.

Dirt-bike tragedy an example of bigger problem

good.


And, in a repeat of a line he often repeated on the presidential campaign trail here four years ago, McCain joked about Zsa Zsa Gabor’s sex life…..”I feel a bit like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s fifth husband. I know what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know how to make it interesting.”

A few feet away, Romney let out an awkward giggle.”I thought we only brought one actor and comedian here today,” Romney told McCain when it was his turn at the mic. “Gosh, that was quite a repartee there, senator. That was fabulous.”  [Yahoo!]

of course what mccain said was inane and not amusing, and there are doubtlessly numerous other articles to cover that. however, that is not the point here, repartee is not just a single (tired, awkward, or otherwise) one-liner, fool! it is a witty conversation between two sharp thinkers, such as the great cafe tableaux on the road show podcasts 2011, not a musty soundbite read from a cue card by a dead man.

repartee : n. adroitness and cleverness in reply –definr


grindcore house, r.i.p.
24 December 2011

~ public letter to the guy who had a chocolate labrador off-leash in the middle of grindcore house this morning: did you notice the ring of people who couldn’t approach the counter because your 70# dog was running in circles was barking at everyone in the room? probably not, since you were grinning at everyone and saying ‘what a good dog’ and kissing its muzzle. we had to wait five (5) minutes to get to the counter for a refill because you are a selfish prick. you brought us out of retirement just to say that we hope that you are the person louis ck said might be dead before christmas in that online special on his site.


rumsfeld known and unknown

we assume that the directive here was to design a book jacket that is as awful as the possibly reptilian ‘man’ shown in the photo.


tunk you
25 February 2010

~   if the movie ‘kick-ass’ is true at all to the source material, the tween star will be slicing heads in half and shooting people through the taint, but some fucking pussy choad minlfs are worked up about her saying words that the new york times thinks aren’t mainstream: spoiler alert – ‘cunt’ and ‘cock’?

‘cunt’ isn’t mainstream?  one of the most iconic shows in the history of television, ‘the sopranos’, which i know the times has creamed over, did not let a day go by without helping to put ‘cunt’ a household usage, ex: ‘i’m about a cunt hair away from throwing this text-a-day project in the trash’.

what fucking parent would be letting their kids go see–spoiler alert–humans being chopped in half and burned alive, even if the killer was 18+, but ‘blanch’ at the idea of seeing a 13 year old saying ‘fuck’.  we didn’t have red band trailers when we were 13–back in the 1960’s–to teach us about ‘pecker’, ‘snatch’, and ‘cumguzzling’, but we sure as shit talked about it, as does every kid whose mom works at beliefnet – guaranteed.

about the only thing that ‘makes sense’ in this article ironically comes from a corporate studio:

“It’s really important for people to know what kind of movie this is so they can make an appropriate decision about whether or not they want to see it.” – NYTimes.com.

you mean they don’t want some simple asswipe fuckwit walking into the theater, expecting to see mr. fantastic using his stretching abilities for some gosh-darn zany dancing, surprised upon seeing a comic book movie about a guy whose only superpower is beating people in the face with sticks?


~

Murder-suicide note posted on Facebook

LOS ANGELES – A California man who killed himself and his 9-month-old son in an apparent murder-suicide left dozens of angry, desperate messages to the boy’s mother, including a lengthy suicide note and a memorial collage that appeared on the Web hours after he was dead.
….
Authorities were looking into whether a third person actually posted the suicide note and collage to Garcia’s Facebook account after Garcia prepared the items before his death.

what kind of fucking loser doesn’t have his own website to post misanthropic rants such as, ‘if i have to open internet explorer one more time i’m going to paint the wall with my brains‘ or ‘if i have to look up ‘cupcake vector’ again today, i’m going end up testing the tensile strength of this miniblind drawstring with my weight‘ or ‘if that girl with the ‘organic farming’ t-shirt comes out with that douchebag in the black drainpipes i’m gunning this tempo off the seabees bridge‘? status updates are for tweens; a grown man should be using scheduled posting for having his suicide message appear, rather than asking some stooge to manually post it later. someone this pathetic should have killed himself. we don’t know about including the 9 month old, but at least he didn’t dress him in children’s lingerie.

by the way, this piece will be posted two (2) hours after it is written, in case we drop a toaster in the bathtub the moment isak borg arrives in lund!


2/3 through
3 February 2010

~ as expected, january sucked, big time, but things like this allow us to take comfort, in the words of jtftg, that the end of the world is nigh. after closing that site and purging our cache, we had to check the calendar three times to make sure it was not april 1st. no, which means we still must slog though february.


~ hillary must reckon that pakistani students have the memory span of an average u.s. citizen:

[Hillary] Clinton told the students “there is a huge difference” between the Obama administration’s approach and that of former President George W. Bush.

“I spent my entire eight years in the Senate opposing him,” she said to a burst of applause from the audience of several hundred students.

who was the ‘him’ she was ‘opposing’ when voting to invade iraq and voting for the patriot act twice? what a card!