~ “JERUSALEM (AP) Fire erupted in the besieged Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem early Thursday during a fierce exchange of gunfire…”

they are at this again? if any of us at the angry red planet were christians – which we are not – we bet that we would be growing weary of watching these jews and muslims having their tired, stupid fight at jesus’s birthplace. the lack of creativity in that town is appalling.

~ happy may day to all of our fellow day laborers!

~ this surprisingly astute quip from ben affleck is almost enough to inspire us to reevaluate our position that he is nothing but an elbow-bending cretin:

“Jennifer Lopez is opening a restaurant and I don’t know who’s covering the world news for Reuters. Is there anybody on the Middle East beat?”

~ however, there is little danger that any priorities of the media and its consumers are misaligned by the focus on puffy sean’s ex’s latest mimicry of his business plans; mr. affleck, like many others, does not grasp that the middle east situation is a global canard. the system understands that there must be variety in the red herrings they feed us.

~ apparently, we need to reiterate our intentions. we are not professing to the authorship of fanfiction; we are merely relating an anecdote provided by one of our agents who had subconsciously conceived of a possible outcome of the sw pt; it was not the intention of our agent either to entertain anyone or to provide gl with some ‘awesome’ ideas.

~ the temperature outside the angry red planet offices is currently 91 degrees.

~ an agent of ours has reported having had a dream concerning the upcoming ‘twist’ in the sw pt. according to our agent’s morphean vision, ob1 is revealed to be the true father of luke and leia; this cuckolding of the proto-vader is what finally pushes anakin over to the dark side. as darth vader is to later lay claim to luke’s paternity, we can presume that while he is aware of the unfaithfulness of padme, he is not aware that it is her coupling with ob1 – and not one in which anakin is involved – that results in her impregnation. yoda and ob1 decide to keep this particularity a secret from luke, believing that having discovering that his mother’s husband is a lord of the sith is less damaging than having him learn that his mother is a swinger (as in, to swing).

~ despite our seeming attempts at sw fanfiction and our endeavours to remain free of toolism at the hands of the commercial movie industry, we recommend that the populace go see ‘spider-man’ more often than you see ‘episode two’. you’ve already seen everything that lucas can or will put into a sw film: a light saber battle, *troopers vs. droids, * fett, star fighter battle – maybe names and faces have changed, but you already know the story. although you know that the green goblin is going to be killed after throwing a gwen stacy surrogate from a brooklyn/gw bridge surrogate, you certainly can not claim to have seen it on film.

~ in further evidence that you are a tool of the movie industry, this is how those in the ‘academy’ decides what to serve you: “against a flood of fourth-quarter specialty product, the film couldn’t compete, registering only $2.4 million”

~ in further evidence new york city is inhabited by morons, this is the drivel with which someone flyered the b-train today:

” kill islam
  kill terror
  kill evil

  kill hijacker
  kill homicide-bomber
  kill missile-plane
  kill kidnapper
  kill traitor, oath-breaker
  kill bill n’ hillary clinton

  kill arafat…..kill bin laden

  9-11 never 4-get!”

( if this imbecility is your handiwork, please be advised that one of our agents collected all the flyers in the car and threw them in a trash can on 116th, lest they infect any impressionable young minds. it looks like you’ll have to buy more magic markers.)

~ from 34th street: ‘sax-a-ma-phone! sax-a-ma-phone!’

~ while passing by a couple who were failing in their confused attempts to operate a 44th street parking meter, we were able to overhear: “how dis bitch don’t take dollar bills?” we were left wondering, do people speak this way because they are trying to prove a point concerning the fluidity and proletarian authorship of communication or because they are idiots?

~ although we have had much success with flask/xmpeg, we have given dvd2avi and nandub a try. we are unsure that the necessity of dealing with four steps instead of two, eight hours instead of 4, and fifteen files instead of one, is worth the imperceptible increase in bitrate offered by sbc encoding.

~ we have received numerous emails concerning the possibility of an agent of the angry red planet having been spotted on broadway, weakly trying to force 70 pounds of sweeping compound back into the box from which it had just burst. if you noticed that this sad bastard was desperately weeping, then consider your sighting of an agent confirmed.

~ if you need to send us something securely, partake of our new pgp public key.

~ would anyone believe that we have been too busy to update? while some time has been concentrated on the work, we fear that most time has just been concentrated on work – predominately, its absence. our sympathies for those who have journeyed here in the recent past with the hopes of the requisite wry commentary on current events and found themselves discontent with the pittance they have been offered. perhaps an attempt could be made to contemplate our silence; it may be possible, although unlikely, for one to discern the slightest glimpse of the turbulent clouds thundering in our minds this season.

~ for those who are visiting for our requisite wry commentary on current events: a great method for earning our contempt is to ask for our opinion on the academy awards ‘controversies’ or to even mention the existence of the well-groomed, well-fed glitterati and to declare that not only do they actually have any problems in this world, but that they are such a burden to them, that some of the grief and worry must be distributed across the nation, lest it becomes too much to bear for the tender elite. as far as we know, we have not even seen any of the films that have been nominated, unless there is a category this year for downloading 1972’s ‘pulse’ via peer-to-peer networking.

~ anyone working at the village voice should note: contrary to the views recently put forth in your publication, we’re afraid that alanis morissette (2002) did not ‘make up’ the word ‘ungood’. please see orwell, george (1949): “If you have a word like ‘good’, what need is there for a word like ‘bad’? ‘Ungood’ will do just as well — better, because it’s an exact opposite, which the other is not.”

~ something tells me that these roles are reversed:
Message Summary
Inbox 378 (367 new)
Junk Mail 0 (0 new)

~ we hope that life is discovered on europa sometime this week, and that there is no religion there which impresses people to cover their own cities with blood and ash, and that there are no landlords there who impress upon the tenants worthless supers who can not distinguish between a hammer and a wrench.

~ there is little to report lately. we still are languishing in the throes of s.a.d.; we still are refusing to engage in the unauthorized reproduction and illicit distribution corporate motion pictures.