dear d.o.d.,

when you told the country to be ready for a ‘dangerous’ period in which we could expect american casualties, americans bravely steeled themselves and said they were ready for the deaths of someone else’s sons and daughters. however, no one foresaw that the american deaths you were warning about were going to be caused by other Americans, or at least their reliance on errant smart bombs. so far, the ‘evil ones’ have killed one (1) and wounded one(1) of the american troops (if the truth is being told), while errant bombs have killed two (2) and wounded twenty-five (25). sure, two deaths isn’t something that you carpet-knights worry about, but the 2-to-1 odds are pretty crummy. we sure hope you do not kill or incarcerate two (2) american civilians for every civilian that al-queda killed on september 11. please have your business partners at raytheon [w] and general dynamics [w] get their asses in gear, and smarten up these bombs before you start invading iraq.

-one concerned citizen

ps. though the northern alliance are scum, if they are u.s. allies, it is not the best policy to be killing them, also. not yet, anyway, right?

~ from the angry red planet outbox:

To: “kron” < xxxxx@xxxxxx.xxxx >
Subject: Re: wtf!!!

At 11:24 AM 12/4/2001, you wrote:
> ‘Lindh said would like to hug his son and kick his butt
> for not getting permission to go to Afghanistan.’
>
> are we supposed to feel touched that this family has
> found their lost bastard son? sure he turned out to have

> been hanging out with obladen, but at least he is ok,
> now lets just let the [family] reunite and be cool.

i’m pretty sure that there are a lot of
 yemeni and arab kids in afghanistan who’d
  like to just get off with just a
 ‘kick in the butt’ right now

but i wager the u.s. special forces
 don’t take it so easily on them…

-saucemaster

* may have been edited in retransmission

~ well, since some shoppers were killed, the israelis have blown up a couple of yasser arafat’s helicopters and shot some missles into the barracks of his guards. what an inspirational solution. we bet there won’t be any more suicide attacks now!

~ by the way, ‘ginger’, or ‘it’, is a huge disappointment, as is any invention short of a personal teleportation device.

~ at the westside supermarket on broadway, the radio is playing over the loudspeaker for the sake of the customers’ entertainment. between commercials. the ‘dj’ – are they still called ‘dj’? – announces the news. “twelve people have been killed in an explosion in a mall” – the entire store stops what they are doing and looks up at the ceiling, from which the message is emanating – “in Jerusalem.” at the naming of the city, one far from westside manhattan or los angeles, the customers quickly drop their heads in indifference and refocus on the more crucial task of grabbing ‘portuguese’ rolls and hummus and tofutti.

~ didn’t the media just discover that it’s ramadan and tell us that it is suddenly the most important time of the year for muslims? apparently, it was so important – for a few days – that if the u.s. attacked this month, all the ‘support’ from muslim nations would erode. the bombers must have been some of those christian palestinians about whom we see some folks reminding israel, as though the zionists would actually have any more sympathy or humanity for them.

~ disturbing: uprising suppressed vs. prisoners massacred. we know those northern alliance tools like to shoot an unarmed person on the slightest pretense. on the other hand, fighting these taliban & co. guys must be like fighting zombies: “holdouts hiding among the dead shot two workers from the local health ministry”. no matter how you handle or destroy them, when you turn around, they are there to hypnotize you and eat your brains.

~ disgusting: hillary clinton vying with laura bush over the ‘plight of the afghan woman’ spotlight. it would have been more helpful for many woman if hillary had spoken up five years ago, or at least mentioned her deep concerns to her husband. in any event, if there is a path to glory, the ladies at rawa [w] will be far ahead of both of you.

~ disturbing: uprising suppressed vs. prisoners massacred. we know those northern alliance tools like to shoot an unarmed person on the slightest pretense. on the other hand, fighting these taliban & co. guys must be like fighting zombies: “holdouts hiding among the dead shot two workers from the local health ministry”. no matter how you handle or destroy them, when you turn around, they are there to hypnotize you and eat your brains.

~ disgusting: hillary clinton vying with laura bush over the ‘plight of the afghan woman’ spotlight. it would have been more helpful for many woman if hillary had spoken up five years ago, or at least mentioned her deep concerns to her husband. in any evet, if there is a path to glory, the ladies at rawa [w] will be far ahead of both of you.

~ google search:

‘Your search – “wtf are those armed russians doing in kabul?” – did not match any documents.

Suggestions:

Make sure all words are spelled correctly.
Try different keywords.
Try more general keywords.’

hmm..

~ dear united nations,

we have decided to decline your gracious offer of a peacekeeping force within the borders of afghanistan. while we will continue to hold talks concerning the future administration of the country, at least until international help is no longer needed to oust the taliban, we will not be needing any escorts or supervisors for the food, blankets, or medical supplies that we expect you to provide. we are grateful for your thoughtfulness concerning our security, but we find that the security of our intentions are most efficiently executed by our own armed and restless hordes. for example, after analyzing the data from a case study at a personnel holding facility outside of mazar-e-sharif, we have determined that our standard operations of shooting prisoners whose arms are bound behind the back are best facilitated without the interference or observation of others. in fact, it turned out to be quite a hindrance to have our soldiers stop their scavenging in order to cut the corpses’ bonds before the red cross was allowed to bury them. regardless of possible future events, please accept our gratitude today!

sincerely,

the northern alliance

ps. u.s. and british warplanes are still allowed to bomb targets for us.

~ the angry red planet offices are reopened after the u.s. staff was given the week off for thanksgiving arrangements. we return to find this missive:

“You would be beaten if you did not grow your beard or if you walked down the street with your head uncovered. The problem with the Taleban is they treated you like you were a woman.”
-Merwis Shakar

brilliant. how liberating to have the northern alliance arrive in your town; after all, you certainly wouldn’t want to be treated like a woman.

~ brother’s keeper 12″ out in march from jawk records

~ ‘i don’t celebrate bullshit thanksgiving.’

-ice motherfucking t